Sunday, January 29, 2017

2017. It's been a little less than a year since I last wrote something here. I am pretty sure nobody reads this considering I hardly come here even though it's my blog. Anyway, I cannot find it in my heart to abandon this space. I have poured a lot of my frustrations out here. My blog has been a mute spectator to my turbulent growing-up and always been present whenever I came back to pour something out...

Now more than ever, I get the feeling of finally being an adult. Why? Because I have kind of begun to accept things that have bothered me so much in the past but are frankly out of my control. I have kind of learnt to just look the other way when I am let down by people I have tried to hold so close. Maybe because I have held them so close, I am constantly let down. With this acceptance though, comes a very unexpected feeling. The feeling of liberation, of being free of the web that I had spun around myself. Every individual I guess has the right to live however they want to as long as it is justified to them. If that inadvertently means somebody is let down, it is okay. Easier said than done I know. Plus when it is me being let down, one part of me just wants me to cut the crap and make the person suffer.

       I must accept, I have tried the 'make them suffer' route. I know where to hit to make it hurt the most and I haven't shied away from using my power over them. Of course, 'them' refers to just one person. The person, I am afraid, is the love of my life. Somewhere I know I will never be the love of his life. I know that even if I somehow made him stay, I will be the unhappier person among us. Whenever I have 'made him suffer' ( I just want to sound sinister), it is me who has suffered more. The love of my life is also the bane of my life. So after almost a year and half of being through my personal hell and back, now I have come to a point where if I get him, fine, if I don't, fine.

I know me, I like me with all my shortcomings. I am going to make the idea of 'me' work. That is entirely in my hands. Only I know the many miracles I have seen. I have seen God at work in my life.

So now, I am taking my life back. The ones who want to stay can stay, the ones who want to leave can leave. No pressure.No melodrama. If I hurt, I will turn that into fire that'll drive me. I have done that before and I can very well do it again.