Saturday, December 11, 2010


I had read this book by Sidney Sheldon called 'The sands of time'. I didn't really find the book very striking and didn't care to try and read it again, which is very unusual for me.
But I like the name of the book. I have never really paid much attention to how time will change over the years. I live in the present and though I have dreams about my future, I've never really given a thought to how things would turn out if my dreams didn't come true, in spite of all my efforts, which brings me to the thought that made me write this.

I know this family, distantly related to mine. They have 3 children and I'm really close to their youngest child, though she is some 8 years younger to me. I've always loved going to their place. Whenever I was at my home town, I would look forward to visiting their place practically every day.
And I remember them to be so happy. There was never a dull moment at their place. Sometimes there would be nothing to do but I would still have fun. I loved their beautiful bungalow and I could stay there all day long.

The son got a job abroad, everything was good. The older daughter got married, everything seemed better. But then the father started to fall sick. I won't go into the details, they're too personal, but he was on some really high medication. But it still wasn't so bad. But then the unthinkable. He took too much of the medication and the medicines made him worse. I heard about it, said a prayer...But when we went to meet him, all my hopes came crashing down. The happy man I had always admired, father to my sweetheart cousin....never had I imagined in my most dreadful dreams that he would be reduced to this state.

Before entering the hospital room, I got a glimpse of him....and I didn't want to go in. I didn't want to see him like that. I could see from his wife's face that she had just cried. I myself had a hard time stopping my tears. I stopped outside, I didn't want to enter. We finally went in. He couldn't speak, he was like in some sort of a delusion, or trance or I don't know. His eyes were empty, they weren't the gentle, knowing eyes of the man I knew. All the time we were there, I didn't open my mouth.
My eyes brimmed with tears when I saw his wife being so strong, supporting him and herself. The young face of hers had suddenly become so old. She spoke to him like he was a child. My thoughts kept turning towards their third child, my sweetheart. I kept thinking about what the poor thing must be going through. Her happy face, at their ever-active happy home, kept flashing before my eyes. I couldn't stop myself and a tear rolled down my cheek...thankfully we had to leave then to catch a train back home.

We came out and so did his wife and she started weeping. I couldn't see it. I couldn't understand the unfairness.

He has never done any harm to anyone, has always been so kind, so giving. Why must this be his fate then??....Aren't there so many more people committing sins everyday, harming and hurting people??...Why is this happening? Does God even exist?..Can't He see the tears they have cried and still never let their faith in Him shake?
How did time change so much??...How did this happy loving family get reduced to this?...It's not fair, it's not correct!
Time is unrelenting. The complete turn their lives took with time only shows how uncertain life is and time is. We are just puppets.....
I don't know what to think, what to believe. What is good? What is evil? Why should we be good, if this is what it all boils down to after half a life spent doing only good?...
I'm not thinking about my future now... what's the point? If I die tomorrow, all my dreams, my thoughts, every thing I have lived for dies with me. And I'll be forgotten one day. My life will have no consequence then. 
I'm depressed and I don't know how to pull myself out.......

To every one who happens to read this, whether you know me or not, like me or hate me...please say a prayer for this good but sick man. Please..

Friday, November 19, 2010


It's been so so long. :)

Blogger states that my last post was on December 29, 2009!!!It's almost 11 months! Gosh!
Ok, I had many subjects to write about, and thoughts coming to my mind at god-speed about all of them. But I think my poor blog has seen me frustrated enough;).

The past year has been so eventful that I don't even remember half of it. It went so fast! By the way, the other day I was watching this movie called 'Interstate 60', and in addition to drooling over James Marsden, I actually paid an unusual amount of attention to the movie.

It's about choices, about what you'd wish for if you could have just one wish granted and how small decisions could change your life.  I won't summarise the movie because I would like the curious enough ones to actually watch it:).

Well, a few days back, I was judged by my nail paint. Yes, my nail paint. It so happens, that I apply nail paint once in a few months and that was one such day. And some person actually judged me, while not caring to tell me what he'd arrived to. Was I, according to that person, vain or childish or what? But that didn't bother me. What bothered me was how easily some person who doesn't know me that well, judged me.

Well, judging some person is more of an instinct for humans. You can't help but form an image about a certain person, while taking abundant liberty of satisfying your own insecurities, while at it. I have done it, so I know. But what I also know is that, I always try to be flexible, beacause you can't really completely understand a person, ever. I am always open to making changes in that image I've created based on the experiences I've had with the person, or the details I get to know. And I've always found that a human is always vulnerable, always good at heart. Somewhere along the way something goes wrong, and the person puts on a mask.

Well, I told that friend of mine,that judging someone based on something so trivial, is really sad. Because you close the door on so many aspects of a person you could have known. Hmph! Well, I was then told something about psychoanalysis and how a person shows aspects of his personality in every little action and that the friend of mine always understands a person right. I bet Freud must have shifted in his grave at that one;)!!!

I had a hundred things in my mind to say at that point, but I just said thank you and the conversation thus ended. Thank you because, my image of him changed at that point. Judging me just made me judge him back, and I had a solid basis. But in a few hours, I settled down, and I thought he must have had a bad day or something. I don't blame him for anything, he must have had his own issues.

 Human mind is a complex thing. People spend years and years and it still is a mystery. Dr. Sigmond Freud defined, in his theory, three thing, Id, ego and superego. Id is the basic raw instinct a child is born with. He acquires ego and superego eventually that make him socially more acceptable or basically tame him a little. And then Freud goes on to explain his theory of how a person has stages in his life that he called, the oral stage, anal stage, phallic stage, the genital stage and the latent stage and how each stage has a specific erogenous zone, He talks about odiepus complex and electra complex, that tell us that a girl child is sexually attracted to her father and a male child to his mother. All in all, I find his theory very very hard to digest, and that is putting it mildly.

So many people have since then tried to explain human psychology , but the human mind is still a mystery. And for people like us, who haven't done an in-depth study or just have a vague idea, to go on and claim to judge people and do psychoanalysis and talk about psychosomatic disorders is very immature.

It is because of judging someone, that we do not try and see him in a different light. People get stuck in their own assumptions about people around them and lose out on trying to know and discover the wonderful possibilities, that could have been. That is very sad.

There are many facets to a human being, many aspects, many layers and getting to know each one is a blessing because in the end it is always a good person wronged. I believe in God, not the idol form maybe, but I talk to my God everyday and He probably is the only one who knows me in and out, through the many layers right to my soul. And I don't give anybody else the right to come, judge me and judge me wrongly, scar me and then go away. The important thing is to not be affected because somebody else's version of you,is hardly ever right.

We all are gems, dirty, unpolished and probably unrecognized but gems alright. It's our destiny to shine, spread light and remember that no matter what anyone says or does, it won't change who we are......